spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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