I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
