I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?