Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.