I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
