How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
