I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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