I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
