Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Every concussion has its silver lining
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
