Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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