rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
