Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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