Soap is not a condiment
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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