I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
