I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
