You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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