In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
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