i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
