he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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