When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
being pregnant is like rehab
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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