Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
