drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
