shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
