booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she smelled like a LAN party
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
