Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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