I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
