Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
