Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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