i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm always down for nudity.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
