This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
just found out that she named her cat after me.
40s are totally the cure
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Randomize
