i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
