I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
