Apparently you make a good broom.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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