im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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