We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
