I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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