I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize