I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
