Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
