In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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