Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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