I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
