Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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