i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
