i think my mom watched the whole time
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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