i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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