His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
