im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In other news, I just burned my penis
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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