So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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