Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
