i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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