how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
