I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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