watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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