The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
