my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
