dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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